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There have been lots of readers sharing their dating stresses and woes lately. Here are some themes from my inbox that recur over and over. It's important to know: you do have the power to change them.
1. A tone of desperation
Without a great life of activities that charge your batteries, and a special purpose to guide your choices, you’re vulnerable to looking for someone else to bring you energy. Being desperate is unattractive …and will never bring you what you want. If you recognize this quality in yourself:
* Get out of the house to be with people.
* Find a hobby that you love to do.
* Research careers you are interested in and what it would take to get started.
* Exercise daily.
* Organize your spaces.
And finally...what self defeating thoughts are running through your mind all day? Reframe them into positive messages to yourself.
2. Someone making empty promises to you
It may seem flattering when someone professes she/he will change old self-destructive ways— all for the love of you. They may want to believe they can do this through their relationship with you; you’ll want to think you are this powerful. But this dynamic is a setup for failure—and for you to have a broken heart. Behavior patterns have a way of resurfacing and being repeated unless the person has done some serious, focused self-growth. Stay on the alert to your attraction to this kind of person… and then re-route your attention to someone who has the ability to be honest, consistently kind, and can honor a commitment.
3. Not understanding ...or SEEING ...Deal-breakers
If you are attracted to certain body types, or six foot red heads, or blondes with blue eyes, then when you meet one, you may think you’ve met a match. If you both like Thai food, basketball games and imported beer, you may believe that this is your soul mate. Making this kind of choice over and over however, and not understanding your deal breakers, may leave you wondering why love never lasts. The point is: Love can’t sustain itself on superficial characteristics. Nor can you build a satisfying relationship with someone with qualities like addictions, lying, cheating, and other breaches of trust. If your date or potential mate has any of these, in the end, you won’t care what color their eyes are. Be on the alert for the warning signals so you don't waste time on a relationship that won't work for you.
4. Disappointment in someone who doesn't keep agreements
If you keep your word, you are a treasure to know. If you are in a relationship with someone who can’t keep a promise, what exactly do you have together? When you stay with someone like this, you will always be making excuses for them, or covering for them, or, worse yet—doing for them what they should be doing for themselves. Nothing but a frank discussion with a counselor and your partner will change things until you handle this missing value.
5. A mindset that thinks life has been unfair
You deserve all the love and understanding your friends and family can provide. But choosing someone who will stroke your inner victim falls into another realm. You need to be alert to seeking attention for your suffering. Stand on your own two legs ...and work through your issues. Being stroked for your misery will only keep you stuck in being “pitiful.” Pitiful has no dignity, no future, and no hope. Consciously or unconsciously...If you are looking for a date who will feel sorry for you, you will eventually regret this choice. You will either outgrow the need for pity when you discover your genius muscles—or, you will stay stuck in this mind set, becoming more pitiful each day.
Want to have a fabulous lasting date? You need more than dating tips and techniques. You need to think about the above. If you notice any of these qualities cropping up…once you recognize them...you can do something about them.